Midnight Thoughts

I wanted to share some thoughts and they may seem a bit off but it’s late and they are rolling around in my head so here goes lol. I find myself in a season where it would be easy to feel withdrawn, alone and depressed but I can’t stay in that place. I am not saying that the enemy doesn’t try and make me go there. In fact when I weigh up all the challenges in my life right now I would honestly say that it’s a little much to handle. It’s not only a little much it’s a long process with long periods of waiting to see if there is positive change. In addition to the physical challenges of cancer there are even more mental, emotional, financial and life challenges. It really does destroy everything you used to “know” about your life.

I have also seen a couple of the people I am closest too go through life and death health battles. One is unfortunately not doing well and it breaks my heart. I think these battles have been harder for me than my own.

I have been told that people are amazed at how well I am handling things. I honestly am humbled and somewhat bewildered by that because I am just trying to deal with what is in front of me. I don’t want to live my life complaining so when the pain, or the side effects get to me I don’t say much because there is no point. Complaining doesn’t make it better and it makes my heart worse. I would rather celebrate the good in my life and because of Jesus I have far more good than any bad that could take place.

I have also been told I am brave. I am again humbled and bewildered because I don’t feel brave. All I know is that I am a person clinging to the hand of my Jesus because I desperately need Him. I cannot even fathom facing this without Him. I have had my share of moments when my heart cries out to Him, where tears douse my pillow and you know what… He is there every.. single.. time.

I am beyond blessed with amazing people in my life. Truly there are no words for the amazing family, church family and dear friends God has given me. This type of battle is hard on me and on those who care for me. It’s also hard because it is an ongoing struggle. It’s not a sprint, a fifty yard dash or even a mile run… it is a marathon. A grueling, exhausting and brutal fight to the finish. It’s hard for people to carry that process on when life is clipping along. It’s hard to remember that the person in the battle can’t go back to life as normal. This fight changes you forever. You can allow it to change you by it making you bitter and frustrated at what you think you have lost or you can ask God to show you what you have gained. For me, I choose to let God use even this grueling brutal battle for His glory. In every treatment chair, every IV, injection, dose of meds, every appointment and every moment my constant refrain that I keep repeating is “Be Glorified”. My Father is a God of redemption so my heart constantly seeks that He use this to redeem people. No matter the outcome or the steps in this journey my heart is safe in His hands and I pray that because of this someone else’s will be too.