Shattered

Have you ever found yourself in a season where you feel shattered? A time when something strikes your life out of the blue and nothing seems the same as it was. I am in one such season. I feel as if the glass window of my life has been struck by a rock and the result is this cracked pane of glass that once was clear and through which life was visible but is now marred by damage. I feel like the past two years have splintered my life and piece by piece the glass is cracking. My first inclination is that I should be holding my breath praying it doesn’t fall apart. Two years ago when I heard the word cancer that rock smashed into my life. It has been a battle that I can’t really find words to describe. It literally affects everything. It is brutal physically, mentally and emotionally.

I am so thankful for God’s presence in this battle and the many people who have fought and continue to fight in prayer for me. I know that I am alive only because of Him. Tonight as I sit here battling swirling emotions I realize the depth of truth found in Philippians 1:21.

“For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭1‬:‭21‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Tonight I feel the frustrations of the physical impact of this battle and the weariness emotionally. I feel the enemy trying to overwhelm me by drawing my attention to all that I have lost. The list is lengthy and I even started to write it down; friends, family, church, work, independence, sometimes mental clarity as pain and treatments fog my mind, connections, direction and the list goes on.

However, there is also so much that I have gained and I am so thankful for these things. You see a lot of what feels like loss really isn’t. Sometimes it’s ok to allow the glass window of your life to break, to allow the shards to fall and shatter. It removes any barrier to your vision and any perspectives that force you into a frame. There is no longer anything between you and God. There is no busyness, no time demands, and no expectations that frame your days. Your life becomes what it is truly meant to be.. His.

I have been told many times that I am brave, that I am strong for pressing on in battling this cancer but the truth is I don’t believe it is my choice to make. My life was given to Jesus a long time ago. He determines my days. When I first received the diagnosis of stage four cancer I didn’t feel like I could just give up. If God provided direction to the doctors then I needed to at least try the treatment and allow God to determine the outcome. It’s been two years and to His glory I am still here. Yes, there is a cost and every day I find myself dealing with the effects but I also find Him in each challenge.

It sounds depressive to say that it would be gain for me to die, as Paul stated in Philippians, but it’s not. This life is hard and we all face hardships, trauma and worse. John 16:33 tells us in this life we will have trouble. In many parts of the world Christians are very aware of the cost of following Jesus. They face persecution and even death for their faith. The American church has somehow forgotten that He told us trouble would come.

My pastor shares about a time when God spoke to him and said “I didn’t call you to a playground I called you to a battlefield.” This life that He has given us is so that we can fight for others to know His love. So forty two years ago when I accepted Jesus as my savior I also accepted Him as Lord. He took all of me and gave me all of Him.

It’s easy to become comfortable and to coast but it’s not what we are called to do. Our lives don’t belong to us they belong to Him. So despite the desire Paul shares to enter it eternity with Jesus he also knows that though it would be for his gain he must press on so that Christ is glorified. So if allowing my life to be shattered can be used to show how much God loves someone, if it can be a testimony on how God sustains us even on the battlefield than I, like Paul, choose to live that others might also. I choose to be shattered.